Interviewer: So, tell me - what is it that keeps you up at night?
She was prompt in responding "Well, I watch a lot of movies"
-----------
The college professor had just finished explaining an important research project to his class. He emphasized that this paper was an absolute requirement for passing his class, and that there would be only two acceptable excuses for being late. Those were a medically certifiable illness or a death in the student's immediate family. A smart ass student in the back of the classroom waved his hand and spoke up. "But what about extreme sexual exhaustion, professor?" As you would expect, the class exploded in laughter. When the students had finally settled down, the professor froze the young man with a glaring look. "Well," he responded, "I guess you'll just have to learn to write with your other hand."
-----------
A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he's lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts:
"Excuse me, can you help me? I promised my friend I would meet him half an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."
The man below says: "Yes. You're in a hot air balloon, hovering approximately 30 feet above this field. You are near 42 degrees N. latitude and 58 degrees W. longitude."
"You must be an engineer," says the balloonist.
"I am," replies the man. "How did you know?"
"Well," says the balloonist, "everything you've told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I'm still lost."
The man below says, "You must be a manager."
"I am," replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well," says the man, "you don't know where you are, or where you're going. You've made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is, you're in the exact same position you were in before we met, but now it's somehow my fault."
---------
A young couple had been arguing about what new vehicle they would buy. He wanted a big truck, but she wanted a sports car.
After about an hour the woman had to leave, and said, "look, all I want is something that goes from 0 to 200 in less than four seconds. My birthday is coming up next week, buy something that will surprise me!"
A week later she opened her present, a new set of bathroom scales!
(The funeral will take place next Tuesday)
----------
Private Jones was assigned to the Army induction center, where he was to advise new recruits about their government benefits, especially their Serviceman's Group Life Insurance (SGLI). It wasn't long before the center's Lieutenant noticed that Private Jones had almost a 100% record for insurance sales, which had never happened before. Rather than ask about this, the Lt. stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones's sales pitch.
Jones explained the basics of the SGLI to the new recruits, and then said. "If you have SGLI and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don't have SGLI, and you go into battle and get killed, the government has to pay only a maximum of $6000."
Now," he concluded, "which bunch do you think they are going to send into battle first?"
--------
Customer : Waiter, do you serve crabs?
Waiter : Please sit down sir, we serve everyone.
-----------
A lady at a party told a man, "Did you know that "sugar" is the only word in the english language that the "su" makes a "sh" sound? "
To which the man replied, " Really? Are you sure."
--------
Reading exchanges as implying more than just a funny retort, one of my favorites is the "Wilma Flintstone" scene from the BBC's "Red Dwarf". The two characters are watching television when the following exchange occurs:
Lister: D'ya think Wilma's sexy?------------
Cat: Wilma Flintstone?
Lister: Maybe we've been alone in deep space too long, but every time I see that body, it drives me crazy. Is it me?
Cat: Well, I think in all probability, Wilma Flintstone is the most desirable woman that ever lived.
Lister: That's good. I thought I was going strange.
Cat: She's incredible!
Lister: What d'ya think of Betty?
Cat: Betty Rubble? Well, I would go with Betty... but I'd be thinking of Wilma.
Lister: This is crazy. Why are we talking about going to bed with Wilma Flintstone?
Cat: You're right. We're nuts. This is an insane conversation.
Lister: She'll never leave Fred, and we know it.
Laconic comes from the Greek place name Laconia, the region in which Sparta (which of course gives us spartan) was located.
One famous example comes from the time of the invasion of Philip II of Macedon. With key Greek city-states in submission, he turned his attention to Sparta and sent a message: You are advised to submit without further delay, for if I bring my army into your land, I will destroy your farms, slay your people, and raze your city." According to both accounts, the Spartan ephors sent back a one word reply: "If"
-------
A linguistics professor lecturing a class says: "There are many languages where a double negation in the sentence makes it a positive sentence, but there is no language in the entire world where you see a double positive turn a sentence negative..."
Quick came a reply from the back of the class, "Yeah, right."
No comments:
Post a Comment